Loving God and Loving Others

Eyes of God look upon me.  I am weak, often faith-less, floundering to believe in your goodness, wanting to trust; actually I'm just a child.  Eyes of God, do you see?  We sit this morning around the table, regrouping after a busy season of ministry. Gathering around the breakfast table over buckwheat pancakes and whatever else I can collect from our nearly empty fridge (which is a sure sign of busyness), we sigh and enjoy being together again.  We have a friend's son for the week and we are so happy to have four kids around the table again. Missing our college boy today. Face Time makes the heart full, and as I wonder about his new hairstyle I can't help but feel that ache in my heart for his presence in our home.  What's God been showing you these days? We ask the kids. Three teens and a tween, and we expect that God is showing up in their lives.  God sees me, my thoughtful sixteen year old almost immediately responds. He whispered that to ...

Growing in faith is like exercising a muscle that needs to grow.  Thinking about that this afternoon as I relish the quiet in the house and a working air conditioner. It's 100 degrees in the rest of the house, but my room, well it's a comfortable 80.  Took a walk to find a friend yesterday. She tells me these words and I work on them today. My faith muscle feels weak. Friday brought another ct scan and the results are not in yet because, I'm not sure, but they're not. So we wait. Three days feels like a long time to wait.  Much goes on in the mind while you wait. Perfect peace can be present one moment and full on heart-beating-can't-breathe-panic the next.  " You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast on You." He keeps in peace, but my mind is definitely not always so steadfast.  I heard of several miracles last week. Some were incredibly big ones, like a friend whose baby was not supposed to live gave birth to a...

A friend of mine writes me asking what truths and what lies I am believing in this place of grief. Hardship and sorrow can wear us down. It is part of our being human. It doesn't mean when there is faith that there isn't doubt there, too. They both strangely exist together, it's one of the paradoxes of our Christian faith.  It's in faith that we remember all that is true. It's also in the presence of doubt that more honest faith is born. We say in one breath that God is still good and yet God sometimes is hard to find. We surrender to His sovereignty and yet express with honesty deep heart -questions because we are in true relationship with God and it's safe to ask.  Emotions are frayed, the immediate future is unclear, and there is temptation towards impatience with one another. I want to look at my youngest each morning and give him the plan I know would make him feel safe, but God is teaching him security and safety that can be found even in the uncertainty. ...

I've probably written plenty of posts before surrounding the topic of trust but the journey has gotten tougher in the recent days. Tougher for my frail heart to trust. Choosing to trust the Lord in the face of fear is something my heart sometimes struggles to do. In the daytime it's easier. The nighttime is harder. When the busyness of the day wears off and I'm left alone with my thoughts sometimes fear grips me. The "what-if" thoughts seem to plague me daily, thoughts surrounding our future, the health of my husband, and the safety of my children. If I'm not careful the thoughts can run rampant and the feeling is debilitating. This morning my attention is turned towards 2 Chronicles 20, the passage when King Jehoshophat is desperately calling out to God for help.  "Lord, we don't know what to do, but our eyes are on You."  (v.12) The following verses grip my heart. Jahaziel, filled with the Holy Spirit, exhorts the people,  "Do not be ...

Six days ago my life turned upside down. An early morning phone call brought news of my husband's collapse in his hotel room soon after he had arrived for some organization meetings. The call came at 7am. The shock that ensued and the desperate cry of my heart in those moments is hard to describe. A friend came over, other friends told me they were coming to our home and that our kids would be cared for, and a call to our travel agent, and I was on my way to my husband. Not knowing what had happened and what was happening made the trip a heart-wrenching experience.  Fifteen hours later I arrived at hospital. He'd just been wheeled out of surgery. I had almost lost him. That day he lost half of his body's blood. Hearing those words from the doctor nearly brought me to my knees. How does one survive that? His flight down the previous day was a difficult one and he bled heavily on his last 6 hour leg of the journey. In that lonely moment when he thought he might bleed to...

I dropped my oldest son off at a large metropolitan airport last night for his first flight alone. He's flown before with friends, but this is his first trip on his own. Security at this airport can be tight. But he made it. The signs for the gates are tricky, but he navigated just fine. I asked him to text me when he was at his gate, and he did. He texted me this message. At gate, have coffee, just about to board. I'm fine, Mom . It made me laugh. My husband looked at me and smiled. Where'd he learn that from? The coffee part, he means. Regardless of how many pieces of carry-on we have, I like to have my hot drink in hand before a flight. As he got out of the car, my son reassured me. I've done this a thousand times with you, Mom. I'm okay. We've trained him to do this but sometimes the thought of letting go is so hard for me. As I drove away from the airport the Lord and I had a heart chat and He showed me again so often that it's my lack of faith drive...

I peer into the taxi. I was hoping to take the bus this morning but I’d never get there in time for w-ship at our friends’ home. The kids pile into the back of the car. I exchange greetings and directions with the driver. Father, will you direct this conversation? I need you .   The usual exchange dominates most of the first half of the car ride. 3 kids? All yours? You must make tons of money! How much does your husband make? (I am certainly not going to add that I have one more son who’s not with us this morning.) Where are you from? (I brace myself as usually the next half of the drive is about my sucky Chinese and how I should have learned better.) But we don’t go there this morning. Thankful.   I don’t   mince words . I’m going to ch-rch this morning with my kids. I’m a follower of J-sus. Have you ever heard of J-sus? Time’s running out and I may never see this man again. I share with him a little of my faith. His silence tempts me to be quiet. I believe in Pusa,...

I was only four at the time. And I said yes. Yes, I believed in Jesus and needed Him to forgive me of my sins. Whatever "asking Jesus into your heart" means to a four year old, I wanted to. Though I was only four, I understood that I had a choice and I made the choice. For the whole year that followed, I said yes to him each night. Afraid that Jesus might leave in the night, I asked him again, and again, and again. She discovered me one night, kneeling by my bed, praying aloud. Mom quickly assured me that Jesus was with me forever and I never needed to fear again that He would leave. Mom would continue to be that voice through the years, reminding me that the Lord was still here. Faithful. Present. Close to me. Those early memories came to me again the other day. Funny how they do. My youngest son asked me a question, one of those innocent questions that are so perfect. One of those questions that sit funny in the heart. That reminds me of the little questions that remain...