Winter

It's been some time since I have written. The last time I posted I was in a different place. The end of July brought news of something that would throw my soul into a solemn winter. Two and a half months have passed and things have settled in my heart. Up until the end of July my heart had become increasingly burdened by the sorrows and pains of life. When I received news of a very close friend's daughter's diagnosis of leukemia AML, an acute form that would require an agressive treatment, my heart was launched into a season of pain, reflection, and quietness.

I haven't quite figured out all the elements that have contributed to my finding myself in this place. But I'm not afraid to be here. I guess it's a good thing. Winters of the heart probably are one of the longest seasons in the rhythms of our life, the one that has the least answers, the loneliest moments, but I think where the deepest work happens. It's pushing me towards God and not away.

I am asking God questions but I'm trying not to demand answers. I'm letting Him out of the box that I so easily create for Him. He is a mystery and becomes more of a mystery to me the longer I know and love Him.

For today, the longing for heaven and a more heavenly perspective is what I want. Everything else seems meaningless. My plans for this fall, the things I will do, where I will go, the things I will buy,...... meaningless.

Father, help me find you in this place. Help me hear your voice. Sense your peace. Know your presence. And when this season passes I will know that you will have done your work. For now, help me wait.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Food on my table

I couldn't believe it. They weren't coming until 6pm, for dinner. At least that was the plan. And there they were at our door with smiles on their faces at 10am. This was going to be a long day, I thought to myself. I had woken up that morning with a heavy heart. It was like a dark gloom had settled over me and I couldn't figure out why. John helped me with the morning breakfast routine, we had kids sleeping over and many mouths to feed. I grabbed my cup of coffee and headed to my room. God and I needed to have a chat. I emerged not 20 minutes later with the answer. I knew why I was feeling heavy-hearted. 2011 was going to be a confusing year! Lots of transition, people coming and going, our own comings and goings, kids growing up, and much much more to trust Him for. The cloud lifted after my very quick and simple revelation. God whispered to me almost audibly, "No worries, Jenn. For I will be with you." The doorbell buzzed. E was here. E had been in ou
Read more

Feelings of irrelevance

What have I done anyways in the last 11 years? Was it worth it? Raising my family in a country that we'll never fit into. Has my life made any difference here? Does anyone care? Questions like these have been plaguing my soul. Feelings of irrelevance have pervaded my heart as of late. What does it matter that I live here? Does it matter? A phone call yesterday tipped me over the edge. A friend whom I have walked with over the few years is coming to a city nearby (she lives far away) I found out through another friend. I'm so thrilled she's coming, but I felt hurt that she didn't call me. I have walked with her through some difficult valleys. She actually was one of my personal deep valleys. She wasn't exactly easy to love! But God used our friendship in each of our lives and I am thankful that our paths crossed for those years. But that's just what happened. They crossed, and now that season is over. How sad is that? My relational heart aches. How many mor
Read more

Eyes to Perceive

Dust is everywhere. I am seeing it more. Covering the piano, the steps, the furniture, the pile of books on the side that are waiting to be put away.You see, I'm looking for dust. My new vacuum cleaner in hand, mop leaning against the wall, a rag over my shoulder, I'm ready for dust. The problem with this is that there's no end to this dust-hunting. I have barely finished my rounds and dust has collected again. I stop only because I'm too tired to continue. Seeing is everything. I see what I believe to be there. When I am busy seeing other things, I don't see the dust. Or maybe I still see it but I don't perceive it. It doesn't bother me. Last week we finished up reading Acts as a family. The last part of chapter 28 struck me. "Go to the people and say, you will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. For the people's heart has been calloused, they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed t
Read more