Showing posts from 2013

Choosing to worship...

I've probably written plenty of posts before surrounding the topic of trust but the journey has gotten tougher in the recent days. Tougher for my frail heart to trust.

Choosing to trust the Lord in the face of fear is something my heart sometimes struggles to do. In the daytime it's easier. The nighttime is harder. When the busyness of the day wears off and I'm left alone with my thoughts sometimes fear grips me. The "what-if" thoughts seem to plague me daily, thoughts surrounding our future, the health of my husband, and the safety of my children. If I'm not careful the thoughts can run rampant and the feeling is debilitating.

This morning my attention is turned towards 2 Chronicles 20, the passage when King Jehoshophat is desperately calling out to God for help. "Lord, we don't know what to do, but our eyes are on You." (v.12) The following verses grip my heart. Jahaziel, filled with the Holy Spirit, exhorts the people, "Do not be afraid…

Quitting at the Start

I quit today. 

Not sure what I quit but I quit.

I hit the wall even before the school year started and I can't tell you even what happened. I just found myself spiraling into despair quickly and it felt a little like drowning.

The battle in my mind is too complex to describe and you might say the same about yours. So many things run through my mind each day; from the moment I wake up to the moment I lay my head down, my mind is full. Some days are worse than others. I wake up feeling behind, which is really silly if you think about it. How can you be behind on something you haven't even started yet?

I woke up yesterday and had a sweet time with the Lord. Though it wasn't long enough. As I look back at the things I was praying over I now know the Lord was setting the stage. For me to realize again that I cannot control things or hearts (which I like to) and helping me see again just how much I need him.

The weather might have contributed to it. The recent rain after a glori…

What Else Do You Need?

It's  been a few months since I've written. It's not that I haven't wanted to write. Many thoughts fill my mind daily and I grab a notebook and pen to jot them down, but as quickly as they come they go away. Life has caught me by surprise again and my time hasn't been my own lately. Since the discovery of cancer for my husband, we have been thrown into a different reality. One that I wasn't planning on ever entering. The trauma of almost losing him, flying to another country to be with him, leaving our children for an unknown period with friends, leaving the home and country we love, and big tough decisions ahead has drained me, leaving me desperate and tired.

Is God still good? Is He still with us? Those many years ago when we were young and vibrant and eager to change the world, we decided to follow Him overseas. With little money in our account, a young baby on my hip and one in the womb, and no long term plans we moved. I wondered then. Where is He? In a sm…

when crisis hits

Six days ago my life turned upside down.

An early morning phone call brought news of my husband's collapse in his hotel room soon after he had arrived for some organization meetings. The call came at 7am. The shock that ensued and the desperate cry of my heart in those moments is hard to describe. A friend came over, other friends told me they were coming to our home and that our kids would be cared for, and a call to our travel agent, and I was on my way to my husband. Not knowing what had happened and what was happening made the trip a heart-wrenching experience.  Fifteen hours later I arrived at hospital. He'd just been wheeled out of surgery.

I had almost lost him. That day he lost half of his body's blood. Hearing those words from the doctor nearly brought me to my knees. How does one survive that?

His flight down the previous day was a difficult one and he bled heavily on his last 6 hour leg of the journey. In that lonely moment when he thought he might bleed to deat…

glimpses of hope

Went to a birthday party tonight for a friend. We celebrated the glimpses of glory we saw in him, things we saw the Father doing in his life, called out who he is becoming. It was a gift to him and it was a gift to participate in. I wondered what the Father thought of us as we talked. I'm sure He was smiling. If only you could see what I see.

Reading Mark 10 this morning I am moved by Mark's descriptions of Jesus toward those he encountered. The man in this morning's passage was the rich young ruler. He wanted to inherit eternal life, and he had to come to Jesus to find out just how he could do that. Mark says, "Jesus, looking at him, loved him..." The young man was disheartened by the way Jesus laid out for him. Leave it all, Jesus says.But it seemed too hard, impossible, really. It didn't really seem worth everything.

The longer I walk with Jesus the more I realize how little I knew of what was really being asked of me when I first started the journey. Toda…

how do you become thankful?

It was a typical evening prayer time.

What are you thankful for? Name five things. 
Pause. Silence. Mumbling. The subsequent five things that were named all had to do with the five school subjects that were finished today. It ws supposed to be a simple end-the-evening routine question. 
I can see how that's something to be thankful for, but there isn't more? 
I was losing patience. Wow! I've been sowing these thankful seeds since they were born and they couldn't come up with more? 
My patient husband, who had been silent,  was invited into the conversation because I was sure that at this point any additional comments from me would only serve to injure, not help. 
We sat with our child, praying over him, asking Father to open his heart.
Eyes to see the gifts. This has been the theme in my life, but it hasn't full taken root in my children's hearts yet. We are all on a journey. 
Speaking promise and blessing over my son tonight, I catch a glimpse of the Father'…

forgetful and disorganized

I forgot an appointment today and it wasn't the first time it happened. A friend of mine had some time to coach me and in the moment (which is usually when it happens) I agreed. I didn't check to see if I had something else going on then. (which I did) But the Lord in His loving way, (how it usually happens), moved up our coaching appointment and though I forgot a friend was coming over, I am not falling over myself in apologies for having booked something else in its place.

I feel forgetful these days. I try to set alarms on my devices to remind me, but I'm rarely around to hear the beep go off. I am an in- the- moment person who doesn't mind planning ahead, but I often make mistakes in my planning. What strikes me today is the tender love of the Lord. Some might call it disorganized (which I wouldn't argue with you on), but it's more than that. These moments are times when the Lord shows me in tangible ways that He is intimately involved in my life and that H…