Loving God and Loving Others

Rain falls on my soul today.  I wake this morning to an email from my youngest's math teacher. E is a conscientious student whose efforts to please often go unnoticed. He has given up his seat more than a few times this past year for other students and opted to sit in a much less comfortable place in the classroom. His teacher bought him a desk to give him a permanent place, but he gave that desk up, too for a corner at the edge of another crowded table. His teacher wants to give Elijah the desk and asks if we will accept it as a gift for a student who actually loves learning math. (who knew this was possible?) Tears rolling down I cannot believe that a teacher would notice my boy who is always willing to share his seat. We tell my son this morning. We also include that while we are so blessed by his generous heart we also want him to know that we love him just because. We all figure out ways to give and get love and I must tell my son before this becomes his only mode for l...

My son is having a hard day and I want to be there with him but I can't because we are separated by a large body of water called the Pacific Ocean and we remain connected only over FaceTime. I hang up my phone and feel the weight. Another son struggles over the homework load of high school and his first year in "outside school". The struggle to belong and be known is exhausting. My daughter tears up as she works through life questions, also asking tough questions on identity, and why life sometimes doesn't work out the way we would like.  My youngest curls up on the couch and it takes great patience to wait for him to tell us what he is thinking. He is burdened by all the hard things that are happening, friends who are hurting, the Syrian refugee crisis, and refugees in our city. How a youngest child learns to carry such heavy burdens continues to surprise me.  All this happens within a week and by Friday, my heart is tired. Oh, so tired.  I can...

I dread these moments. The 6 month "routine" ct-scan. It's all routine until they find something is wrong. I can't tell you the number of people I know who have been diagnosed with a rare form of sickness. It's rare until someone you love gets it. Finding my way in the waiting isn't easy. It's like feeling your way in the dark for something to hold onto. Most of the time it feels like the darkness will swallow you up. Things didn't start out this way. But compounded trauma has left me a bit bruised and torn up, so any subsequent bumping around hurts all the more. More painful news of the past few weeks has added to the grief. But the  Lord has heard our prayers for my husband, and his back is nearly normal. We have made it through an incredibly sweet but incredibly busy season of ministry, something I did not think was possible back a couple months ago. My heart is easily distractible though and during our busiest moments a week ago I found my mi...

I've probably written plenty of posts before surrounding the topic of trust but the journey has gotten tougher in the recent days. Tougher for my frail heart to trust. Choosing to trust the Lord in the face of fear is something my heart sometimes struggles to do. In the daytime it's easier. The nighttime is harder. When the busyness of the day wears off and I'm left alone with my thoughts sometimes fear grips me. The "what-if" thoughts seem to plague me daily, thoughts surrounding our future, the health of my husband, and the safety of my children. If I'm not careful the thoughts can run rampant and the feeling is debilitating. This morning my attention is turned towards 2 Chronicles 20, the passage when King Jehoshophat is desperately calling out to God for help.  "Lord, we don't know what to do, but our eyes are on You."  (v.12) The following verses grip my heart. Jahaziel, filled with the Holy Spirit, exhorts the people,  "Do not be ...

To surrender means to let go and to trust another. To release control that I want into the hands of someone else. This morning I'm praying for that deep surrender. In prayer for this day I felt a wave of a long to-do list wash over me and the feeling of panic over the too-many-things-on-my-plate thing that happens so often. Christmas is nearly here and there's much to do before then and we return to our home abroad soon after it is over. The urge to get up and "do" is strong and runs contrary to the calling to stillness that I sense the Lord speaking to me this morning. Surrender raises some difficult questions for us. Are we willing to trust God with our everything? Sometimes it seems easier to trust Him with the larger life-things. My future. But to trust Him my todays are harder. Sure I pray each day and commit things to the Lord, but I also jump in faster than I know He wants me to into fixing things, getting things done. What might happen today if I simply tr...

 There's always something that tries to keep me from trusting the Lord. Almost daily there arises something that threatens to throw me off balance, to lose my footing. It's in those moments I have a choice. To respond in faith and let Peace wash over me, or to respond with anxious thoughts and busyness. The heart's response in times like these reflect what's really inside. Isaiah wrote of the promised Child, "He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end." Isaiah 9:6 The prophet wrote in a time of turmoil and unrest for the people of Israel, writing of a peace that they had not known. He is coming, he writes. The Prince of Peace . The Prince of Peace is the Son of God and He reigns within me. The problem is that I so easily forget that and assume the reign of my life. That's when my feet slip. My husband gave me a hug this afternoon and I tri...

I was only four at the time. And I said yes. Yes, I believed in Jesus and needed Him to forgive me of my sins. Whatever "asking Jesus into your heart" means to a four year old, I wanted to. Though I was only four, I understood that I had a choice and I made the choice. For the whole year that followed, I said yes to him each night. Afraid that Jesus might leave in the night, I asked him again, and again, and again. She discovered me one night, kneeling by my bed, praying aloud. Mom quickly assured me that Jesus was with me forever and I never needed to fear again that He would leave. Mom would continue to be that voice through the years, reminding me that the Lord was still here. Faithful. Present. Close to me. Those early memories came to me again the other day. Funny how they do. My youngest son asked me a question, one of those innocent questions that are so perfect. One of those questions that sit funny in the heart. That reminds me of the little questions that remain...

I was cleaning out my bathroom cabinet this morning. Never a fun task. It's then I realize how unnecessarily overstocked I've been in some things and terrible understocked in others. Throwing unused expired things away always makes me feel wasteful. Planning a year or two in advance when our family is back in our home country for all medical needs can be a challenge. Sure there's more and more available here, but it's a lot easier reading labels in English! A mental exercise. Don't need this, haven't used it, won't need it, won't use it..... Sorting and cleaning is always more exhausting then I plan for. Of course I didn't plan to do that this morning, I just walked into the bathroom looking for something and then started cleaning. That's how half-full coffee cups land in the strangest of places. I know I'm not alone in this scattered behavior, it's just that some of us moms seem to do it more than others! We're preparing to return ...