Another scan..... more trusting moments

I dread these moments. The 6 month "routine" ct-scan. It's all routine until they find something is wrong. I can't tell you the number of people I know who have been diagnosed with a rare form of sickness. It's rare until someone you love gets it.

Finding my way in the waiting isn't easy. It's like feeling your way in the dark for something to hold onto. Most of the time it feels like the darkness will swallow you up.

Things didn't start out this way. But compounded trauma has left me a bit bruised and torn up, so any subsequent bumping around hurts all the more. More painful news of the past few weeks has added to the grief. But the  Lord has heard our prayers for my husband, and his back is nearly normal. We have made it through an incredibly sweet but incredibly busy season of ministry, something I did not think was possible back a couple months ago.

My heart is easily distractible though and during our busiest moments a week ago I found my mind often wandering off to the room of "what-ifs". Sometimes the anticipation is harder than the actual thing itself. What if they do the scan and they find something? Recently I have been unable to plan out my weeks because fear has kept me from dreaming.

How does my heart so easily get completely off-centered? 

The mind plays tricks and manipulates the heart and one moment you are fine and the next moment you are wishing for something that isn't and fear has swallowed up all joy. This all happens in a moment.

Fear can be just a moment away. And I don't think that I'm alone in this.

But is health and safety and goodness and blessing all that I'm wanting for in this life?
Is it the guarantee that things will be good at least for now what I'm really wanting from God?

A child that is secure in her parents' love doesn't worry about the future.
I so easily lose that childlikeness and trust in my Father's love. I forget that He has me.

So I go on a walk and I breathe. I speak out my fear to the Lord once again and ask Him to replace that fear-full space in my heart with peace. I breathe deeply again and listen to what He has to say. 

Don't you know that I love you? 
His whisper is gentle but firm.

Sleep came over me last night, God wrapped me in His peace. Sometimes nights are hard. When everyone is asleep the darkness overwhelms and you can hear nothing but the sound of your breathing and sometimes the pounding of your heart.

This morning's scan is fine. Five minutes with the doctor sets my anxious heart at ease.  My husband is clear.

All is well for now. I have 6 more months to wait until the next one. Lessons of greater and deeper trust await, I ask that God will help me learn to wait and walk in the darkness.

He doesn't leave us to find our own footing, He holds us firm in His grip.
    A paper lantern from my eleven year old's birthday lighting up the night sky

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