Loving God and Loving Others

It's there. And it's a daily temptation for me. I wish I could write it in the past tense. I used to be a perfectionist. But I can't. While perfectionism doesn't come out in my TASKS, (my husband and colleagues could attest to that), it comes out in who I am, often in how I present myself. You combine my eldest daughter, Asian American, Christian, ministry, woman characteristics together and it's a pretty good recipe for perfectionism. Perfectionism keeps me from receiving from others. Why is it after I have a phone call or come back from coffee with a friend that I muse over the conversation that was exchanged. It's worse when I've been particularly vulnerable. I can second myself so easily. I shouldn't have said that. I should have said less. I could have been less dramatic. Lord, strip away the facade of appearances. Free my heart up to love and to be loved. I want to be freed from up from responding to my own failures and weaknesses without

So, my youngest son, who's six sometimes finds himself in a bit a funk. "The yuckies, Mommy. They just keep coming up!"  Trying to be patient, I gently remind him that the Holy Spt resides within and gives him power over the yuckies. "We don't have to be yucky, ask Jesus for the self control to say no, and choose joy!" It seems that he's been struggling a bit more recently, perhaps it's tiredness, (we do forget to put him to bed earlier than his older siblings), but I'm thinking that it's just the "yucky man" ( as a friend refers to it) rearing it's ugly head, taunting him to sin. It's just like the Lord to give me personal object lessons in my own life as I teach my children. I had allocated the full afternoon today for solitude and reflection. I was dreaming of how I was going to use my four hours of beautiful siilence with the Lord. I started thinking about it as I woke up this morning and it continued through "t

There are things in our family that we share as a family and things that my husband and I share with each other only. But one of those things that we share together is the fact that "Mama's not perfect." It's no secret that Mama's not perfect. There is scarcely a day that goes by without me apologizing to one or more of my kids for quick, impatient words. I can't but help wonder sometimes how many counseling sessions they will have to go through in the future over their mama! I can almost hear those conversations in my head! "I know that my mom loved me, but...." As I reflect on my own mom and her example of motherhood in my life, I realize that though she was not perfect, she has impacted my life like no other person except Jesus. A friend of mine asked me yesterday about my mom and what was it that made her special to me. "Mom made the ordinary into special moments." I replied. She created picnics in the living room on rainy nights, s

"You're not detailed.".... were the words spoken to me this week from a friend.  While I am aware that I am not as detailed as some, my heart's response was to want to list the many things I am detailed over! But the thing was that it bothered me. Why did such a small comment like that bother me? I had this conversation with the Lord the next morning about that comment. Why did it bother me that someone highlighted one of my weaknesses? It wasn't long after that I discovered I lost my dry cleaning slip from 2 days ago. As I rummaged through my pockets and purse, I just had to laugh. It was like the Lord let me experience my lack of detail right away to assure me that yes, my friend was right. I am not very detailed. While I had a momentary panic attack over the lost slip, I sensed the Lord say to me, "receive that word and delight in that." A couple weeks ago another friend of mine was commenting on how hard it was to celebrate her weaknesses. W

In this desire to grow in depth with the Lord, I have found myself at times in a funny place. I've kind of imagined it to be similar to walking a tightrope. Though I've never done that before the thought seems positively scary! Waiting to meet me at the bottom of one side is pride and all that comes with it, and on the other, insecurities and all the things that come with that. So, it's on this tightrope that I walk. I want to walk forward, eyes on Jesus, in humility yet also in confidence that He has called me forward. The things that God has placed in my life right now all run a certain kinds of risk. The risk of being misunderstood being the greatest one. Why does it matter to me what people think? If I walk forward I might become prideful, if I don't, I give into my insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. The thing is is that at the center of both arguments is ME. It still revolves around me! I was processing with a friend and mentor this last weekend. I asked th