Perfectionism- part 1

It's there. And it's a daily temptation for me. I wish I could write it in the past tense. I used to be a perfectionist. But I can't. While perfectionism doesn't come out in my TASKS, (my husband and colleagues could attest to that), it comes out in who I am, often in how I present myself.

You combine my eldest daughter, Asian American, Christian, ministry, woman characteristics together and it's a pretty good recipe for perfectionism.

Perfectionism keeps me from receiving from others. Why is it after I have a phone call or come back from coffee with a friend that I muse over the conversation that was exchanged. It's worse when I've been particularly vulnerable. I can second myself so easily. I shouldn't have said that. I should have said less. I could have been less dramatic.

Lord, strip away the facade of appearances. Free my heart up to love and to be loved.

I want to be freed from up from responding to my own failures and weaknesses without fear and judgment. This is the only way I can know and understand grace and forgiveness. I've been thinking about my "need to control", to help things be as they "should be". I like peace and harmony and honestly, I like life when it's not too painful and disappointing. I don't want to let hurts affect me too much. If I don't let them hurt too deeply then I'll be okay. If I don't share too much, I can still be in control of my emotions and how I respond to them.

But I have a choice to disclose my heart to a friend. It's like a slow detox of past patterns and ways of relating to people. The more I choose to live authentically, the easier it is. I am less concerned with the responses of others to my failures ane weaknesses because I know just how the Father views me through Jesus and His blood shed at the cross. Bought with a price. Treasured. Loved. Beautiful.

Lord, you love imperfect women! And not only that, you invite me, imperfect as I am, into a deep intimate relationship with You!

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we oursleves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our gerat power is from God, not from ourselves.
I Cor. 4:7

Comments

  1. This has SO been my journey... IS (current, present tense) my journey! Lord, help me to rely on You alone for my security, my strength, my "perfectness". YOU alone, Lord are strong and perfect. And, You tell me that Your Power is made perfect IN my weakness. O Father teach me... too.

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  2. if it were not a slow detox I think we would perish. He loves us.

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  3. this post reasonates with me sooo much.... so encouraging to remember how much alike we are... and to see you turning to God and going deeper with Him... preach it, sista! :) xo.

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