What Else Do You Need?

It's  been a few months since I've written. It's not that I haven't wanted to write. Many thoughts fill my mind daily and I grab a notebook and pen to jot them down, but as quickly as they come they go away. Life has caught me by surprise again and my time hasn't been my own lately. Since the discovery of cancer for my husband, we have been thrown into a different reality. One that I wasn't planning on ever entering. The trauma of almost losing him, flying to another country to be with him, leaving our children for an unknown period with friends, leaving the home and country we love, and big tough decisions ahead has drained me, leaving me desperate and tired.

Is God still good? Is He still with us? Those many years ago when we were young and vibrant and eager to change the world, we decided to follow Him overseas. With little money in our account, a young baby on my hip and one in the womb, and no long term plans we moved. I wondered then. Where is He? In a smoggy city, having the language skills of a toddler, and little energy, I wondered. Did we make the right decision? Lord, are You here?

I have wondered that again and again these past 3 months. It's a rhetorical question, really. I know the answer. I've felt His presence so tangibly in the past few months. His words to me have at times been audible. I know H is here with us. But sometimes I can't see Him and the pain is so heavy I can't feel Him.

I see my kids struggling, my 9 year old hurting, the nightmares keep coming, and I'm desperate to know. God, will You walk with us? The journey that looks ahead is scary and dark. Will You be with us? 

The Lord and I were having this discussion driving to the store yesterday. Running in to return an item that I wasn't sure they'd let me return I stood in line praying. Lord, about this shirt. Does this matter to You? With the financial burden now on us with John's medication ever little thing counts for us. The lady at the counter gave me a full refund without any questions. I could hear Him whisper, "See? I care."  I grabbed the last of the sale rack of swim trunks my 9 year old (who incidentally can never find his swim trunks) and finished my shopping. Chatting with the cashier she shared about her day and the things that were hard. Pain has made me a bit more aware of others these days. As I finish paying I remember a coupon that I'd been toting around for weeks and had forgotten each time I come to the store. I pull it out and look at it. Expired. Yesterday. Of course it would be that way! I shrug my shoulders and say something to the effect of, "oh well, I try...." Opening up her register the woman pulls out a $5. Here, she says. Will that be enough? What else do you need? There wasn't a hint of sarcasm in her voice towards a disorganized mom of 4, her response left me speechless. Saving the hug I wanted to give her for another time, I thanked her and left.

See? I'm here. I heard the Lord whisper. I care. I own the till. I will provide. I will lead and I will carry you. 

My husband started his oral chemo drug 2 weeks ago the oncologist sees him every two weeks for blood work. The doctor couldn't believe the test results. No one's results are this stable, he told us.

Another audible whisper.

What else do you need?


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