How do you explain?

How do you explain to a 10 year old that you are never to stop loving? When her heart is so sad that it feels like it's going to melt away and shrivel up and never come out again?
Don't hide.
I tell her that this morning. It's not worth it. No matter how hard it hurts? No matter how hard.
But how is it worth it to love and then to say goodbye again so quickly?
For reasons that even adults cannot comprehend.
Could you explain to me, please?
There are tears caught in my throat.
I'm afraid to let them out for fear they won't stop coming.
I'm not a robot.
My heart is made of flesh, not stone.
To love again and again, to say that very same number of goodbyes.
It doesn't get any easier, my oldest son said to me as he watched grandparents say goodbye at the airport one year when he was 8.
This life that we've chosen to live seems to filled with so much pain. Everywhere you turn.
At least that's how it can seem sometimes.
I confess, Lord.
My heart is tired! And so, even so, I crawl to You. Too tired to run. I crawl up on your lap and lay my head down. And you pat my heart and say, just rest, child.  Like I do with my kids when life seems hard and homework and friends too complicated...
I don't have to resolve this pain, or even comfort myself with things I know to be true. I don't have to do that all the time because David didn't in all of his psalms. Not all of his prayers ended neat and clean, so mine don't either.
I can cry out.
I think I can even scream.
So many friends through the years have come and gone, and so many more goodbyes peppered inbetween.
These friendships were so special.
Do you stop loving?
Build up walls, that's easier. A friend commented recently.
To say it doesn't hurt would be dishonest.
To say it will be fine soon, would discount the pain.
To say that You are here, now that is truth. To say You understand, that comforts me.
So I wait. With my 10 year old sweet daughter, and my boys, who are also trying to find words,but can't.

Comments

  1. StephanieJune 2, 2011 at 7:19 PM

    Just yesterday we (my daughter and I) had this love-risk conversation, too. ...so hard. and, it does hurt so much. ...words just don't do it justice, do they. Tears do a better job.

    I love your "profile" words, though, "learning to walk with Jesus in Joy and in Pain, learning to trust...". Me, too, my friend. ...learning to trust even when it hurts bad. ...learning to keep loving and be loved.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LindsayJune 6, 2011 at 1:11 AM

    We love you guys and miss you! It is true that it is okay to be sad and also that we must keep loving. Thanks for loving us!

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJune 6, 2011 at 8:00 AM

    so true, jenn. love my nieces and nephews... i have much to learn from them in this process I'm sure. love, bahj.

    ReplyDelete
  4. linda @ prone to wanderJune 13, 2011 at 9:03 PM

    Some here even now after months. Meg has been checking on skype but keeps missing her.
    love you all

    ReplyDelete

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