It all goes so fast.... thoughts on parenting

My firstborn turns 17 today. Seventeen years ago a young 24 year old mom, who had no idea what she was doing, gave birth to a little baby. Married only 1 1/2 years and preparing to go overseas, I really was clueless when he came. Clueless in so many ways, naive and excited, petrified and anxious.

In so many ways, those emotions still are there. Now, 17 years later I look at this young man amazed and astonished at who he has become.

I feel like I know less than I did then. It's partially the honesty that's emerging, the courage to say I really have no idea what I'm doing, the unmasking that God is doing in me. But it's really God's grace that has carried us through these years. A boy? The doctor's announcement rocked my world. Really? I know nothing of raising boys!

Those early days I didn't know all that I could be worried about. As the days grew into years, I quickly found out there's plenty to be anxious about as a parent. But much was within my control. (or so I thought)

Now that he's older, I'm wondering about all the thing that aren't in my control. I'm wondering if I did an adequate job as a mom. Wondering if I've prepared him for life. I'm thinking I haven't. Have I done too much for him? Have I done too little? Have I talked to him about all the things he might encounter in life? Have I expressed too much of my opinions? Have I talked more than listened? (I'm sure I have done that...)

A desperate need to pray woke me up this morning. The realization that I cannot control nor protect him the rest of his life (tell me I'm not the only one who wants to do this!) Crying out to God I ask that He would keep my son close to Him all of his days. That my boy would walk closely with Jesus each day. In a world where love and worth is questioned, I pray that he would know he is loved and valued. That he would grow into a man who grows into a sense of purpose and knows what it's like to live in the kingdom of God.

A daughter and three boys to raise, time that slips from fingers, young adults
emerging, and you find that all the things you thought you would do you couldn't do it all, and you want to wind the clock back and hold that baby again. Sometimes it gets blurry from down here.

When older moms told me that time would go fast, I had no idea that it would go this fast.


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