two empty jars.. On growing faith

Growing in faith is like exercising a muscle that needs to grow. 

Thinking about that this afternoon as I relish the quiet in the house and a working air conditioner. It's 100 degrees in the rest of the house, but my room, well it's a comfortable 80. 

Took a walk to find a friend yesterday. She tells me these words and I work on them today. My faith muscle feels weak.

Friday brought another ct scan and the results are not in yet because, I'm not sure, but they're not. So we wait. Three days feels like a long time to wait. 

Much goes on in the mind while you wait. Perfect peace can be present one moment and full on heart-beating-can't-breathe-panic the next. 

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast on You." He keeps in peace, but my mind is definitely not always so steadfast. 

I heard of several miracles last week. Some were incredibly big ones, like a friend whose baby was not supposed to live gave birth to a beautiful little girl. Another friend has been diagnosed with a serious disease and now doctors are saying that they got that wrong and it's not that serious. Smaller miracles like being able to get on a plane after leaving our oldest son in the U.S. for college and coming back and sending our second son to "outside-school" after homeschooling him for 11 years. 

I have to recount these things because it help this girl's faith-muscle grow.
Yesterday I had a conversation with the Lord about why they found the cancer so late. Why doctors weren't more invasive 5 years ago when my husband was bleeding. Why when they found out something was wrong that it had to be that kind of cancer? Ct scans every 6 months? For how long? Until when? So I have found myself talking in this way again. Wanting to bargain with God and knowing that will bring my nowhere. Second guessing our actions, wondering why things aren't different, and all of this question- asking lands me in a scary wilderness where God doesn't feel near and I am alone. 

I've dug out two empty glass jars from my drawers and label one as Fears and the other as Praises. One piece of paper labeled cancer goes in one and the other celebrates a quiet day of worship at home and family. It's a visual reminder and action of my choice to trust the Lord once again. I have a feeling that this growing-in-faith thing will take a lifetime. 


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