Feelings of irrelevance
Was it worth it? Raising my family in a country that we'll never fit into.
Has my life made any difference here?
Does anyone care? Questions like these have been plaguing my soul. Feelings of irrelevance have pervaded my heart as of late. What does it matter that I live here?
Does it matter?
A phone call yesterday tipped me over the edge. A friend whom I have walked with over the few years is coming to a city nearby (she lives far away) I found out through another friend. I'm so thrilled she's coming, but I felt hurt that she didn't call me. I have walked with her through some difficult valleys. She actually was one of my personal deep valleys. She wasn't exactly easy to love! But God used our friendship in each of our lives and I am thankful that our paths crossed for those years. But that's just what happened. They crossed, and now that season is over. How sad is that? My relational heart aches. How many more people can I love? Why didn't she feel like she could tell me? I'm not offended she's not coming to see me, I'm just sad that she didn't share that with me.Did our journeying together over those years even matter? Is there even a friendship there?
As I ran errands yesterday I had a bit of down time in the taxi. I scrolled through my contacts in my cell phone looking for a local friend to call. At least someone must miss me, I thought. The voice of the Holy Spirit nudged within. Your importance and worth is not in the friendships you have, Jenn.
But, don't you know how many people I've loved in all my years here? I argued back. Hundreds of people have been through my home, I have loved so many, Lord.... can't you see? Few people call me these days. I'm not needed. And I wish I could say I am so happy about that! Many of them are well connected in Christian communities and there are others who weren't interested in the Lord whose relationships have tapered.
I wanted to complain and tell the Lord of how much I've given up to serve him, for what? Nothing to show. At least that's what it seems. The questions, the desires of wanting to be needed and recognized..... it's rooted in pride. Really. There's no other way to explain it. It's quite appalling.
As I sat in the kitchen crying, the Lord reminded me that He gave it all up at the cross. He gave so much more. And boy, did Jesus love people well. The people he healed, fed, taught, and cared for. Was it worth it? My life, my 11 years here, is not much compared to all that He gave up for me. So while the feelings of irrelevance might still come and go, I need to remember that He is worth it. I need to be okay offering it all up and let Him do with it what He pleases. Full surrender. Help me, Lord.