Feelings of irrelevance
What have I done anyways in the last 11 years?
Was it worth it? Raising my family in a country that we'll never fit into.
Has my life made any difference here?
Does anyone care? Questions like these have been plaguing my soul. Feelings of irrelevance have pervaded my heart as of late. What does it matter that I live here?
Does it matter?
A phone call yesterday tipped me over the edge. A friend whom I have walked with over the few years is coming to a city nearby (she lives far away) I found out through another friend. I'm so thrilled she's coming, but I felt hurt that she didn't call me. I have walked with her through some difficult valleys. She actually was one of my personal deep valleys. She wasn't exactly easy to love! But God used our friendship in each of our lives and I am thankful that our paths crossed for those years. But that's just what happened. They crossed, and now that season is over. How sad is that? My relational heart aches. How many more people can I love? Why didn't she feel like she could tell me? I'm not offended she's not coming to see me, I'm just sad that she didn't share that with me.Did our journeying together over those years even matter? Is there even a friendship there?
As I ran errands yesterday I had a bit of down time in the taxi. I scrolled through my contacts in my cell phone looking for a local friend to call. At least someone must miss me, I thought. The voice of the Holy Spirit nudged within. Your importance and worth is not in the friendships you have, Jenn.
But, don't you know how many people I've loved in all my years here? I argued back. Hundreds of people have been through my home, I have loved so many, Lord.... can't you see? Few people call me these days. I'm not needed. And I wish I could say I am so happy about that! Many of them are well connected in Christian communities and there are others who weren't interested in the Lord whose relationships have tapered.
I wanted to complain and tell the Lord of how much I've given up to serve him, for what? Nothing to show. At least that's what it seems. The questions, the desires of wanting to be needed and recognized..... it's rooted in pride. Really. There's no other way to explain it. It's quite appalling.
As I sat in the kitchen crying, the Lord reminded me that He gave it all up at the cross. He gave so much more. And boy, did Jesus love people well. The people he healed, fed, taught, and cared for. Was it worth it? My life, my 11 years here, is not much compared to all that He gave up for me. So while the feelings of irrelevance might still come and go, I need to remember that He is worth it. I need to be okay offering it all up and let Him do with it what He pleases. Full surrender. Help me, Lord.
Was it worth it? Raising my family in a country that we'll never fit into.
Has my life made any difference here?
Does anyone care? Questions like these have been plaguing my soul. Feelings of irrelevance have pervaded my heart as of late. What does it matter that I live here?
Does it matter?
A phone call yesterday tipped me over the edge. A friend whom I have walked with over the few years is coming to a city nearby (she lives far away) I found out through another friend. I'm so thrilled she's coming, but I felt hurt that she didn't call me. I have walked with her through some difficult valleys. She actually was one of my personal deep valleys. She wasn't exactly easy to love! But God used our friendship in each of our lives and I am thankful that our paths crossed for those years. But that's just what happened. They crossed, and now that season is over. How sad is that? My relational heart aches. How many more people can I love? Why didn't she feel like she could tell me? I'm not offended she's not coming to see me, I'm just sad that she didn't share that with me.Did our journeying together over those years even matter? Is there even a friendship there?
As I ran errands yesterday I had a bit of down time in the taxi. I scrolled through my contacts in my cell phone looking for a local friend to call. At least someone must miss me, I thought. The voice of the Holy Spirit nudged within. Your importance and worth is not in the friendships you have, Jenn.
But, don't you know how many people I've loved in all my years here? I argued back. Hundreds of people have been through my home, I have loved so many, Lord.... can't you see? Few people call me these days. I'm not needed. And I wish I could say I am so happy about that! Many of them are well connected in Christian communities and there are others who weren't interested in the Lord whose relationships have tapered.
I wanted to complain and tell the Lord of how much I've given up to serve him, for what? Nothing to show. At least that's what it seems. The questions, the desires of wanting to be needed and recognized..... it's rooted in pride. Really. There's no other way to explain it. It's quite appalling.
As I sat in the kitchen crying, the Lord reminded me that He gave it all up at the cross. He gave so much more. And boy, did Jesus love people well. The people he healed, fed, taught, and cared for. Was it worth it? My life, my 11 years here, is not much compared to all that He gave up for me. So while the feelings of irrelevance might still come and go, I need to remember that He is worth it. I need to be okay offering it all up and let Him do with it what He pleases. Full surrender. Help me, Lord.
you have such a big heart :) the more you give, the more it hurts when pple don't reciprocate..even if it's just a li'l bit :\ i feel your pain even tho' i'm not in a foreign country...keep trusting and clinging to Him & treasure the ones you love!
ReplyDeleteLove you, cuz!
I love watching you in action, loving others, putting their needs above your own just as Jesus did. You are pointing others to Him and modeling how to love others well. Remember that on Good Friday, the Lord was betrayed not only by Judas, but even his beloved friend Peter. Even though he was betrayed, his modeling love to others has been passed on from each generation to today. The same will be with you my friend! Those around you, those whom you have influenced and mentored (including your children) will have more of an idea of how to love like Jesus. Thank you for showing me!
ReplyDeleteOh, my friend... I can so relate to this post. I wrote not long ago--- a very similar blog--- "what if I stopped". In that post, I was asking the question, "what if I stopped innitiating and reaching out"--- who would miss me, who would call me?? So, right there with you. And, SOOO right there with you in what Father whispered in my soul--- your value (security and otherwise) does not rest in what others think of you, whether they like you or need you... or miss you. Oh, my I am so there with you on this one. I was JUST talking to Father today about my security and where it lies (and where I try to place it when not looking at Him alone!!) I love you friend, deeply and forever. But, that doesnt REALLY matter. HE loves you, friend, deeply and forever... nothing new or profound, eh?! Like you wrote on my last post--- life long learning of these lessons!! May we learn today just a bit more than we knew yesterday.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this... as we leave one mission field to move to another one I am asking myself some similar questions.
ReplyDeleteI really agree with what Lindsay wrote, Jenn! You are an amazing model of loving others, and many are impacted through you. I was thinking about Hagar when she ran away from Sarah and ended up in the desert. The LORD spoke to her there, and she gave him the name "the God who sees me." (Gen. 16) He saw her and He knew, even when no one else did. And God sees you, Jenn, and He knows, even when no one else notices. Nothing escapes Him, (even when you feel irrelevant.)
ReplyDelete