Loving God and Loving Others

The disciples had no idea what was going to happen.  Throughout the gospels, over and over again, Jesus had told them, and then reminded them of what was going to happen. They had no understanding, and really no grid to understand this. Jesus had come and called them out of a life they knew and into a life that was completely different. They had left it all to follow him. For 3 years. Close companionship, experiences that were crazy. Lepers healed, blind men could see, two groups of 5000 and 7000 men (not including the women and children) were fed out of a few fish and a few loaves of bread. It was like something they had never seen before. They were told He was the Messiah. That He was bringing the kingdom of heaven. Over and over through the gospels is the use of the phrase the kingdom of heaven . In the kingdom you leave your 99 sheep and find the one that is lost. In the kingdom you sweep the whole house to find the coin you've lost. In the kingdom you care about the younger s...

It all happened so suddenly. One day we were talking about her. Two days later she was gone. I was just with her Friday afternoon! My son lamented. How can she be gone? The emotions of this past week have been more down then up, and my son says, "I'm not sad at the right times." As if we can control this complex emotion we call sadness. We have sat in the pain though. We have pressed in and we're better for it. Life for now cannot be as usual. A friend is gone. Too soon according to us. We didn't have enough time to learn about this young 13 year old with a vivacious personality so colorful that sometimes people didn't know what to do with such vulnerability and such freedom. In many ways she was older than her years, in other ways she was just a girl wondering if people could accept her just the way she was. We all just want to know if someone will take us as we are. Growing up is so hard to do. How do we live in the tension of grief and a life that r...

Rain falls on my soul today.  I wake this morning to an email from my youngest's math teacher. E is a conscientious student whose efforts to please often go unnoticed. He has given up his seat more than a few times this past year for other students and opted to sit in a much less comfortable place in the classroom. His teacher bought him a desk to give him a permanent place, but he gave that desk up, too for a corner at the edge of another crowded table. His teacher wants to give Elijah the desk and asks if we will accept it as a gift for a student who actually loves learning math. (who knew this was possible?) Tears rolling down I cannot believe that a teacher would notice my boy who is always willing to share his seat. We tell my son this morning. We also include that while we are so blessed by his generous heart we also want him to know that we love him just because. We all figure out ways to give and get love and I must tell my son before this becomes his only mode for l...

the long way home Driving up to school this morning I am struck how in-a-hurry I usually am to finish the task of school-drop-offs. I am in my walking clothes, eager to get home so that I can get my two mile walk with John done before the sun is completely overhead. The temperature rises quickly in April, and there is a small window before the trees stop offering shade and the heat is nearly unbearable for this Seattle girl. I’m up early these days. The sun streams brightly  through our windows and the loud-chirping of the common myna calls me to rise. I cover my head and try and finish my dream and catch a few extra minutes because I know that once I am up there is no nap ahead until the late evening hours. My kids still love their beds and are mostly unresponsive to the morning 6:30am call as their home-schooled bodies are not used to rising so early. To which I want to tell them of children who must get up much earlier but I am usually unconvincing i...

Eyes of God look upon me.  I am weak, often faith-less, floundering to believe in your goodness, wanting to trust; actually I'm just a child.  Eyes of God, do you see?  We sit this morning around the table, regrouping after a busy season of ministry. Gathering around the breakfast table over buckwheat pancakes and whatever else I can collect from our nearly empty fridge (which is a sure sign of busyness), we sigh and enjoy being together again.  We have a friend's son for the week and we are so happy to have four kids around the table again. Missing our college boy today. Face Time makes the heart full, and as I wonder about his new hairstyle I can't help but feel that ache in my heart for his presence in our home.  What's God been showing you these days? We ask the kids. Three teens and a tween, and we expect that God is showing up in their lives.  God sees me, my thoughtful sixteen year old almost immediately responds. He whispered that to ...

My son is having a hard day and I want to be there with him but I can't because we are separated by a large body of water called the Pacific Ocean and we remain connected only over FaceTime. I hang up my phone and feel the weight. Another son struggles over the homework load of high school and his first year in "outside school". The struggle to belong and be known is exhausting. My daughter tears up as she works through life questions, also asking tough questions on identity, and why life sometimes doesn't work out the way we would like.  My youngest curls up on the couch and it takes great patience to wait for him to tell us what he is thinking. He is burdened by all the hard things that are happening, friends who are hurting, the Syrian refugee crisis, and refugees in our city. How a youngest child learns to carry such heavy burdens continues to surprise me.  All this happens within a week and by Friday, my heart is tired. Oh, so tired.  I can...

I knew this day was coming for a long time now. Since the moment I laid eyes on him, this boy captured my heart and I knew it would be hard to see him grow up. There were so many moments in childhood that I would remind myself that these times would not last forever. Noise. There is no way to enjoy all those noise-moments, but they are amazing to watch. The forts made of sheets hung around the room, light saber battles, and nerf gun wars in our tiny Chinese apartment. Friends who were further along than us in the parenting journey would remind us often to try an enjoy the craziness for it would not always be so. And so it has changed. We set our table for five, occasionally we forget and grab six settings, and sigh when we realize that he's across the ocean. No, he won't be joining us for dinner. I've talked about parents who struggle with letting go. My husband and I have thought about what kind of parents we hoped we would be when this day would come. My husband seems...

Growing in faith is like exercising a muscle that needs to grow.  Thinking about that this afternoon as I relish the quiet in the house and a working air conditioner. It's 100 degrees in the rest of the house, but my room, well it's a comfortable 80.  Took a walk to find a friend yesterday. She tells me these words and I work on them today. My faith muscle feels weak. Friday brought another ct scan and the results are not in yet because, I'm not sure, but they're not. So we wait. Three days feels like a long time to wait.  Much goes on in the mind while you wait. Perfect peace can be present one moment and full on heart-beating-can't-breathe-panic the next.  " You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast on You." He keeps in peace, but my mind is definitely not always so steadfast.  I heard of several miracles last week. Some were incredibly big ones, like a friend whose baby was not supposed to live gave birth to a...

I dread these moments. The 6 month "routine" ct-scan. It's all routine until they find something is wrong. I can't tell you the number of people I know who have been diagnosed with a rare form of sickness. It's rare until someone you love gets it. Finding my way in the waiting isn't easy. It's like feeling your way in the dark for something to hold onto. Most of the time it feels like the darkness will swallow you up. Things didn't start out this way. But compounded trauma has left me a bit bruised and torn up, so any subsequent bumping around hurts all the more. More painful news of the past few weeks has added to the grief. But the  Lord has heard our prayers for my husband, and his back is nearly normal. We have made it through an incredibly sweet but incredibly busy season of ministry, something I did not think was possible back a couple months ago. My heart is easily distractible though and during our busiest moments a week ago I found my mi...

 I dislike packing very much. I sit on suitcases and pray them closed and under the allowed weight. I do this for a living. My family knows when they see me bent over an overstuffed bag they are not to offer their "I - don't- think- that- will - close,- mom" opinion. Mom knows it will close. Bags need to be coaxed closed, duffel bags always have an extra inch of air to spare for a last minute Lego set or pair of shoes. Any family that lives overseas knows the joys of carting items from homeschool books, winter gear of all sizes (the the kids will grow this year), birthday presents (must be prepared!)  cooking spices, baking supplies, and in the early years, aluminum foil, too.  We pass through three airports today and will conclude our 25 hour trip back to our Asia home in a few hours. My husband and oldest son are on a different flight, the rest of us catch a midnight flight with a couple layovers. I wonder where all of these passengers are going today? Some stroll throu...

A friend of mine writes me asking what truths and what lies I am believing in this place of grief. Hardship and sorrow can wear us down. It is part of our being human. It doesn't mean when there is faith that there isn't doubt there, too. They both strangely exist together, it's one of the paradoxes of our Christian faith.  It's in faith that we remember all that is true. It's also in the presence of doubt that more honest faith is born. We say in one breath that God is still good and yet God sometimes is hard to find. We surrender to His sovereignty and yet express with honesty deep heart -questions because we are in true relationship with God and it's safe to ask.  Emotions are frayed, the immediate future is unclear, and there is temptation towards impatience with one another. I want to look at my youngest each morning and give him the plan I know would make him feel safe, but God is teaching him security and safety that can be found even in the uncertainty. ...

I'm on a flight with my husband who can now sit for short periods of time for his mother's burial service. So much packed into that short description. Tears linger as I write, the sacredness of this event, that my husband can make this trip at all is a miracle, the kindness of strangers today in the airport from the wheelchair assistant, the security officer, and the flight attendant.  This week has been more than I could have imagined, a table in the wilderness, set before our family. Witnessing my husband grieve with faith, honesty, and truth has been holy. He really believes the truth written in Scripture about who God is, who we are, the place He has prepared for His children, and the healing and restoration to come. It has been worship for me to watch, participate in, and together lead our children through.  A friend of ours prayed for us this week, testifying that God is and has been with us in these challenging times. Endurance isn't something you know you have until...

It has rained steadily metaphorically speaking this past month for our family. An unexpected turn of health for my mother-in-law brought on a very unexpected ending of her life. The shock still stuns us. It might for a very long time. My husband's health from kidney problems due to the oral chemo drug to a herniated disc bulging 9mm also came as a blow especially when the expectation was that he would be near his mom for the time of her sickness. We find ourselves somewhere beautiful with family, yet unexpected for Christmas and wonder what was all of this that has happened?  A quick trip to the store yesterday turned into a culture shock trigger, lost in Target with my cart, musing over the frenzy of buyers filling up carts with items for loved ones. Can I say that people watching is fun? Two days away from Christmas and my dad laughs saying men make up the bulk of the shoppers in the next couple days. He might be speaking from experience. Christmas is a Western tradition adopted ...

We are on a pilgrimage my kids and I. To see Grandpa and family. To mourn together and laugh together. So many memories to celebrate. Pictures of Grandma and her kids. Laughing at fashion from the '70s the grandkids enjoy thinking that their clothes and tradition of the day will be around in a decade. Velour is back in we all know.  The reunion surprises us. It makes us want for what was, remembering the early memories of Grandma and her delicious Chinese food; she loved cooking for her family. Instead we opt for takeout and no one minds because what we really long for is to be together. Life is such that we can never have again what was. We can only make good of what is now. Nostalgia forgets the hard of the past, creating yearnings for something that never might be again. Grandma is no longer with us, but we remember her story, take pictures, share personal stories, and plan for new memories. Being together helps ease the pain. But my husband is missing from this moment. His back...