How to get through.... Advent Day 9
Does God know that it's hard?
More questions come out this morning around the breakfast table. The table that transforms into the homeschool table, then the lunch table, and the craft table. It's the everything table that represents more than a place to eat and do school. It's a gathering spot.
Tears are coming again. It's been a few days since our last cry. They're starting up again. I'm not as worried about the cry-ers. I'm worried about the one who isn't crying. It's bottled up in his heart and he controls it for now but I want him to know that you don't have to do that. But you can never predict when the dam will break so for now I just keep asking and assuring that when it all falls apart that I'm here. He's not sure how he feels, he tells me. That's okay. I hardly know how I feel. So we lean on our schedules and choose today to keep on living.
Exercise is important. I know this to be true because my husband who can't walk right now is cheering us on to continue our morning run and to enjoy being able to use our legs because right now he can't.
Eating well. I bake gluten free cinnamon bread for my boys who love their carbs but can't eat bread from the market. The smell fills ours home and awakens our senses and tells us that we can still enjoy even in the hard. Grateful that I can find the gluten free flour here so far away from Illinois where the flour originates. And for mom, well, I have to make sure I eat, too. It doesn't always happen.
Breathing. I wake up and check my text messages. I've heard it sound through the night, and it's more than the CNN alert. Crisis invades all personal margin. The places where you reserve for yourself, the place where you can hide and breathe and it's okay. Crisis takes all of that away. So you have to learn to breathe through it. I need the self control not to check my messages and email before I've run to talk to my Father. Abba, Did you know all of this would happen? I need to know you're here.
Saying yes to things that will help and no to the things that will not. Throwing off guilt that comes with saying no. Having a close friend who you can say anything and everything to. I'll say angry things sometimes, I've told her. Please don't run away from me when I do. I hate being ugly but I'm not sure what I'm going to be like in this storm. Will you stick around and hold me up regardless?
My sweet mom who is tirelessly there for our crazy family texts me this morning (her evening) and asks if she can get takeout pizza for dinner. My dad, who's motto is live the life well that God has given you, says, please? My husband who is used to the food police, e.g. me, controlling his diet obediently eats the fish, multi-colored rice, and salad presented him each meal. But pizza tonight will really make life that much nicer. I text back, why not? :)
Sometimes in the hard, you have to stop and say, how am I going to get through this? I can't wait until this is all past tense. When it's over, we can say, I went through hard times .... But for now, it's present tense, and we wait, hold on, and look for the glimpses of joy in the midst.